Since I was about fifteen years old, I knew something was different. Not in the way all fifteen year olds feel different, but in a way that made me feel inhuman. I would do anything I could to make people like me. I felt any possible slight so strongly, it crippled me. I spent hours thinking of ways to make my own family like me. Of course, I failed to realise that not only did they like me, they loved me. God knows why. The rest of the time I was in fits of uncontrollable rage, saying things to my family an supposed friends that you wouldn’t say to your worst enemy.
It would be five years before I heard a name for the issues I was experiencing: Borderline Personality Disorder. Even the name seems weird to me. I was already being treated for Bipolar Disorder at this point and the marked highs and lows, I had become accustomed to. But, I was still leaving destroyed friendships in my wake everywhere I went. I would often defensively try and convince myself it was all their faults. But, I knew. I knew, that I was lashing out and hurting those I loved.
To help you understand a little more about this mental health issue, here is an excerpt from the National Institute of Mental Health (NIMH) page on Borderline Personality Disorder:
People with BPD often have highly unstable patterns of social relationships. While they can develop intense but stormy attachments, their attitudes towards family, friends, and loved ones may suddenly shift from idealization (great admiration and love) to devaluation (intense anger and dislike). Thus, they may form an immediate attachment and idealize the other person, but when a slight separation or conflict occurs, they switch unexpectedly to the other extreme and angrily accuse the other person of not caring for them at all. Even with family members, individuals with BPD are highly sensitive to rejection, reacting with anger and distress to such mild separations as a vacation, a business trip, or a sudden change in plans. These fears of abandonment seem to be related to difficulties feeling emotionally connected to important persons when they are physically absent, leaving the individual with BPD feeling lost and perhaps worthless. Suicide threats and attempts may occur along with anger at perceived abandonment and disappointments.
I have worked throughout the years on understanding these impulses and either suppressing them, or expressing them with the clear disclaimer that I know they are coming from disordered thinking. I have managed to repair many of the relationships, but some of the most important remain in shatters.
Tonight, an impulsive and aggressive mood was triggered via some comments I received on Twitter about my views on the Olympics (and, particular, hockey). While I still feel that regardless of what is going on, I maintain the right to express my opinions in public without fear of reprisal, regardless of how orthogonal they may seem to doctrine, I acted irrationally. I lashed out attacking several people, namely @markabell, @jamiecalder, and anyone else who said they would unfollow me. To them, I apologise. The second phase of this began when I felt that close friends were also working to hurt me and attack me while I was vulnerable. To these people, namely @gordonglenn, @outofshell, and @ALL_CAPS.
I realise that none of this excuses my behaviour, and I hope that you all come to realise that it is uncharacteristic of me, and accept my heartfelt apologies. If you have any questions or wish to discuss the matter, please do not hesitate to contact me.
Tags: mental illness · Personal6 Comments
